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Submitted on
August 2, 2012
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I put on a fake smile. Every. Single. Day. I'll laugh like nothing's wrong. I'll wave, and talk to people like I'm halfway normal. I'll go around being my stupid, childish self. But it's a lie. It all is. I don't think I can keep it up much longer.
I don't have many friends to begin with. Everyone thinks that I look bad, so they don't talk to me, or care about me. The people who DO decide to talk to me get tired of me, think I'm I jerk, or they think I'm weird like all the people who don't even talk to me in the first place. All the true friends I have are mainly through the internet, and the other ones I barely see because of my terrible life.
My mom is pregnant AGAIN. She barely takes care of my brother and sister as it is. I feel terrible for my brother, because he'll never know his true dad. My mom moves around from man to man way too quickly... All she uses me for is to take care of the other two kids and to clean. She loves me, I know she does. She just has a terrible way of showing it.
Another thing is I keep thinking EVERYDAY what it would be like to move in with my dad. Of course, it would suck for my mom, my sister, my stepdad to be, and my brother. I wouldn't like it because I would have to move back to my old city. The schools are terrible and the parish's system is just falling apart. I'd be able to see most of my friends, and I could go to church a lot, which I wish I could do now... But then I wouldn't be able to draw as much, or be my true self. My dad only knows me by my fake cheerful side. He doesn't know that I'm quiet, and I'll sit in my room and listen to music all day long... So in the long run, I'd be in just as much pain if I moved...
I just don't want to keep going anymore. I can't take being like this... I don't want to be a fake. But I'm sure no one would put up with my real self... I just don't know what to do anymore...
I just need to talk it out sometimes... I don't vent a lot... And when I do, its usually with complete strangers who seem to care for me. But of course, they are on internet...
I appreciate everything that anyone had ever done for me. I really do. I wish I could hug each and every person...
It's just so hard living a fake life, and having a fake personality... I can't stand it. It makes me want to scream...
And I cry myself to sleep every night thinking about things that some people my age won't even think about for a few years.
And school is another complete topic. Everyone at school, like I said, ether knows the fake me, or they won't talk to me because I look weird, or I act abnormal. This year I'm gonna walk in exactly like I need to, the real me. I'll be the quiet one in the back who looks like they have a million things on their mind, but they don't bug anyone else about it... And if I get rejected, that's everyone else's problem, not mine.
I still don't know if I can take it...
And I'm gonna stop now, I've cried to much today, and I need to find something to occupy me. I'm sorry I wasted your time. And if I have ever vented to you personally, I'm truly sorry... I might not be on in a while... If you care and you want to talk to me, you really don't have to, but thanks... And I'll say it one more time, and I'll never say it enough, I'm sorry...
  • Mood: Gloomy
  • Listening to: Skillet
  • Reading: Treasure Island (Summer Project)
  • Watching: Nothing...
  • Playing: Nothing...
  • Eating: Nothing...
  • Drinking: Water.
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:iconnykkes64:
Nykkes64 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I really hope that you will be safe and that no harm will come to you. I even favorite this journal to remind myself.
Everytime I chat with you, you never Wasted my time. I love being friends with you. Mystery is one the most beautiful OC ponies I have ever seen. That's why I call her mommy. :,,,) *hugs you like a true family*
I even wanted to chat with you on Skype to know you better.
Reply
:iconxxastridxx:
xXAstridXx Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks again. :,,) I plan on making time to Skype with you, its just I've been busy cleaning, babysitting, and working on summer projects, so I just haven't really had time...
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:iconnykkes64:
Nykkes64 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
If you want to chat with me on Skype, I'm online now. Feel free to voice chat! ^_^
Plus, I feel your pain a lot! I just wish that you will have many friends as much as you can get!!
You added me on deviantart first and then I added you so I can favorite your deviation and comment all the time I can. I really want the best things to happen for you. :,,)

Nykkes: mommy, I love you! *cuddles into your chest so cutely* :,)
Reply
:iconxxastridxx:
xXAstridXx Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I wish I could, but I can't now... My voice is really shakey right now, and I have a bunch of stuff I need to do before I get yelled at...
:,,) It means a lot to me that you care. ^^
Reply
:iconnykkes64:
Nykkes64 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I always care for you!! :,,,) *hugs you to make you feel better*

I will favorite your deviations ^_^
Reply
:iconlexi247:
Lexi247 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012
:huggle: Reveal that true self, the ones who care about you will come forward and care for you. Hiding behind a mask isn't good, and the people who don't like whats under it don't matter. :)
Reply
:iconxxastridxx:
xXAstridXx Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:huggle: Yeah, I know... :,) Thanks.
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:iconlexi247:
Lexi247 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012
You are very welcome~ Ever need to talk, Im always here :aww:
Reply
:iconnykkes64:
Nykkes64 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You have never wasted my time. That's why read this journal before making comments. That's why Mystery became Nykkes(me in the fictional pony world) new mommy. I care for you.
:,,,( *hugs you like a family*
Reply
:iconxxastridxx:
xXAstridXx Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:huggle: Yeah, you're one of the friends I have through the internet... :,) Thanks...
Reply
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